My Story About Her

[nextpage title=”My Story About Her” ]

The idea of writing my story about her actually came when she was ignoring me. That time, I was trying in every way to make her talk to me again. I wanted to keep the conversation alive so I did everything that came to mind.

I greeted her in the morning, reminded her to take her meal on time, saying goodnight to her before I went to bed. I made remark based on what she posted in her social media or messaging application. And of course, I kept asking what actually did I do wrong that made her ignoring me like that. Then I came up with the genie in the bottle idea. Things were just flowing.

I don’t even know how did I muster up the courage to do it all or how did I get the ideas, to begin with. All I know is she didn’t seem to be okay and I can’t just do nothing. Since she kept her silence, in the end, I came to a conclusion that it might be better if I reveal myself to her.

Maybe I ever said that Little panda was created to give her a little joy. Actually, that’s not all the reason I used a mask. Little panda was created so that I can still do something for her without putting myself in an unsafe position.

But seeing how she was at that time, it felt like it did the opposite. Well… I couldn’t really see her, but I could sense it. That something wasn’t right. If I let it continued, whatever I give to her in the name of little panda would no longer give her any joy. If little panda can no longer serve its purpose, then it’d be pointless to continue.

It’s just… I wasn’t sure about what was actually going on. She was in a relationship. I don’t wanna be someone who ruins her relationship. I don’t even know what she actually felt toward me. She seemed to really really wanted me to reveal myself. But what if was merely pure curiosity?

What if she really just wanted to know and that’s all? What position would I put myself on if I just reveal my identity solely to satisfy her curiosity? I don’t want to upset her. But I don’t’ want to put myself in a dangerous position either. I got to think of something to prevent the worse from happening.

Then the idea came to mind. The purpose of the narration is to let her know that I’ve been paying attention to her since several years back. The story is not about me having a good memory. I mean, yeah, I have pretty good memory and it’s something I feel grateful about. But no matter how good someone’s memory is, if they don’t pay attention in the first place, there’d be nothing to recall.

Every time any of my friends mention something they remember about me, whether it’s something I told them or something they experience when they’re with me or something that I like or such, it makes me feel good. Because it means they pay attention. Sometimes I myself don’t’ even remember about it so it’s kinda surprising that they did. It’s the kind of surprise that can lift up the mood. And I wish she would see the story the same way too.

I had no idea what would happen once I reveal myself to her and it’s terrifying for me. To minimize the possibilities of an unpleasant outcome, I intended to tell her some mini-stories about what she is to me. Through it I wanted to convey a message, “I love you. I just love you. I don’t want anything from you. If you just allow me to still do something for you whenever I see fit, that’s enough for me. I don’t have any intention to hurt you. So please don’t hurt me”.

I knew that once I reveal myself there’d be no going back. So I wanted to be careful. Because I didn’t know for sure why she kept asking me to reveal myself. Maybe she was really just curious. Maybe she just likes being adored. If I really have to reveal myself so that she wouldn’t be upset, I wish she could at least be prudent and not spreading the words to anyone else.

The story was originally intended to tell about her in my eyes. I admit that the story that I wrote lately is a complete failure. Because even though I can reiterate some details, I put the focus on her feeling instead of mine. It’s still very frightening for me to talk about my own emotion so… I didn’t.

Because… She made me felt like I was stupid for unable to figure out what’s on her mind. She made me felt like I was crazy to even dare to love her. She said that even if she didn’t have someone, she wouldn’t even consider me. She didn’t even try to be gentle. She treated me like I was a despicable person. I cannot bear another humiliation coming from her. I don’t want to. But like you said, fear shouldn’t keep us from doing what we need to do. Fear only exists in our mind.

So… The story… The idea was to tell some mini stories. Maybe something that consists of only two or three sentences. It should be brief since I was going to send it to her via messaging application. I’m not sure how to do it here. Maybe I should just try. There’s be no perfection without the first action. Well… I’m not looking for perfection but we do need to put an exertion.

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[nextpage title=”The Girl in Red” ]

It was my first time seeing her. The girl whose picture I just saw in an email notification from the HR department came to live. Standing just a few feet from when I sat. Being introduced to her colleague, chatted, smiled, and laughed. She was polite yet very lively. Looking so green yet appeared like she knew a lot. Trying to blend yet still stood out among the crowd. The red blazer that she wore made her even more noticeable. Even her presence alone was already refreshing.

There’s only one thing. Don’t get me wrong, but she didn’t at all had an image of an accountant. Well… You know how an accountant is. Math people. Bean counter. Kinda rigid. She didn’t seem like one. She looked charming, sociable, and attractive. Well, I’m not saying that accountant is usually not attractive. But… it’s uncommon. She’s uncommon.

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[nextpage title=”Energizer Bunny” ]

Don’t judge a book by its cover. She just gave it its true meaning. Honestly, I ever thought that she wouldn’t last long just like her predecessor. But she seemed to be doing perfectly fine. She looked so comfortable to be where she’s at.

She’s like the energizer bunny, never run out of energy. The nature of her job required her to always work overtime. But she always came early in the morning the next day. Is she even a human? I only had to work overtime like a week or two in a month and it already got me exhausted. She must have some kind of superpower to allow her to keep up with her daily activities.

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[nextpage title=”At The Corner of The Pantry” ]

I was standing at the corner of the pantry that morning when she suddenly appeared out of nowhere. I felt my privacy being violated since that time I had my phone in my hand and for a moment I thought she took a peek at it. But she just innocently asking me what I was looking at.

Then I realized that I was standing there as if I was looking out the window. I was still kinda annoyed so I didn’t respond to her and only took my phone out of sight. She then realized that I was holding my phone. I was kinda worried that she would try to make a conversation. But she only looked down the road for a moment then went to the water dispenser as if nothing happened.

She didn’t say sorry. She didn’t say anything. But she did the best thing someone can do to me in such a situation. Giving me my space. And she saved us both from the awkward moment.

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[nextpage title=”Young At Heart” ]

Sometimes I commuted to work using public transportation, just like that morning. While I was walking approaching the lobby, a black accord passed by. Someone I knew stepped out of it. Her. I was thinking about what to say if we stumbled upon each other while waiting for the lift. But she didn’t go straight to the lift. She took a turn to the other side of the car.

The more I saw her, the more it became more apparent. That she’s behaving like a little girl. Not that she’s childish. But she didn’t hold back. She’s always free to speak her mind. And just like what I saw that morning, she does whatever she wants to do, didn’t seem to care about how it would look.

As we grow up, many people seem to lose their exuberant features. Adult tends to be… looking like an adult. They tend to be more cautious about what to say and how they do things. While it is actually a good thing to be more discreet and having a good judgment, sometimes things don’t really go the way it supposed to.

Some people become more self-conscious. The cautiousness of their action is no longer rooted from the understanding of the right thing to do and what shouldn’t be done but from what people would think about what they do. As a result, they may not do what feels right, instead, they do what others are more in approval of.

The thing is, many might just as unsure about whether or not they do things right. So this world is filled with some amount of people who are looking for approval about the way they live their lives from those who just as confused about the way they do things in their lives. It’s kinda sad but it’s real.

So knowing someone like her, who never seemed to have the slightest doubt in doing her things, makes life become more enlivening. Sometimes people got overwhelmed by all the things that life throws at them. They started to become less of themselves though they may not even realize it. But her… She just stays young at heart.

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[nextpage title=”The Girl In Yellow” ]

While I was waiting for the lift to open, she approached from behind. It was Friday so she was using casual attire. The color yellow fit her cheerful image. But she didn’t display a lively attribute that morning. She only smiled when I looked at her. We didn’t even talk while on our way up in the lift.

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[nextpage title=”Once in a Lifetime Trip” ]

At the end of the year, I joined a trip that was arranged by someone in her department. It was their trip but somehow I got myself in. I wasn’t really close to them and I didn’t even know how would I be able to blend. But I was excited to explore what the trip held for us.

Once we got out of the ferry, we naturally got split into a few groups. Those who were looking for something to drink, those were seeking for a shady spot, the guides whom I had yet to see since I got out of the ferry, and me, who weren’t sure about who I should follow. So I just stood near the dropping point, locating where everyone else was so I wouldn’t feel lost. Luckily I wasn’t alone. She stood right next to me.

There were many things happened during the trip. But one thing that made me feel awesome was how I stayed focus throughout the trip. I had no idea why, but I often found her hanging around me. That time when we just got out of the ferry wasn’t the only one.

But it was because I often found her around, seemed to be ready to follow my move, it made me felt like someone was counting on me. I’m normally not really the kind of person someone would rely on during a group trip like that.

I’m more of the kind of person who would freely wander around by myself. I would rather let someone else arrange the whole trip then go along with it. But since that time I felt someone was counting on me, I tried to be someone’s worth counting on. I never knew that it would feel so good. I’m not sure if it was satisfactory enough, though.

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[nextpage title=”Fathomless” ]

A few days after we got back from the trip, the company held a celebration for Christmas and new year. It was an outdoor party. There was so much color that night. Everyone gather with their preferred colorful attire.

Usually, birds of a feather flock together. But in a company gathering like that, everyone blends in. We all mingle, across divisions, across job titles, across hierarchies. We all just wanna have a good time, left all the work-related matter in the office.

When it’s getting late, people gradually started to go back to the office. While my friends and I were about to cross the road, she happened to be around with her friends too. So we all crossed the road together.

She took the position on the back while I took the position on the front. Before we crossed the road, she went beside me and held my arm. There she goes again. Making me felt like I was being counted on.

The night got darker but my heart felt lighter. Even if I have to work overtime the whole night at that time, I would do it with no complaint. It was a busy day but I felt like my energy just got recharged. It’s so fathomless what a simple gesture can do to your soul.

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[nextpage title=”The Picture of Us” ]

I couldn’t wait until the holiday ended. I wouldn’t mind taking more days off from work, but I wanted to see someone. When the workday came, I went to the office as early as usual though I knew it would pretty much be a leisure day at the office.

Fortunately, she arrived just as early. She came to my desk then asked me to send the pictures of her that I took with my phone the other night. I sent her all the photos. All but one. The picture of the two of us.

Before we went back to the office the other night, I asked a friend of mine to take a picture of me and her under the gazebo. I wish she would remember and asked about it. But she didn’t.

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[nextpage title=”Hello and Hi” ]

We always met in the pantry almost every morning. But our conversation never passed hello and hi. Even so, that’s actually already a progress.

Since I’m not a sociable kind of person, at first whenever we met we didn’t even greet each other. I smiled at her then she would smile back at me. One morning when we met, she seemed to be in a very good mood. She said hello when she saw me which I then replied by whispering a hi.

After a while, I started to get used to it. I even adjusted my morning routine to her schedule to increase the possibilities of us stumble across each other in the pantry.

I would mix my move. Sometimes, I would stay at my desk, scrolled down my mail to allow her to go to the pantry first before catching up. Some other time, once I noticed her steeping feet inside the office, I would go to the pantry and wait for her there. I would fill up my bottle, went to the corner and started to drink bit by bit. I always try to make it seem as natural as possible. But sometimes I was worried if she would notice it and it would make her feel uncomfortable so I would back off a bit.

I did it twice a day. In the morning and in the afternoon, after lunch break. I could drink the whole bottle while waiting for her, even more, and sometimes my stomach would feel bloated, especially after lunch meal. But I would bear with it, just to be able to stand only a few feet away from her. Just for an interaction as simple as hello and hi.

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[nextpage title=”Curse Into Blessing” ]

When she joined the company, I’d been there for about a year. That time I was planning to leave since the job didn’t really give me a sense of fulfillment. I came to my manager, talked about my concern and prepared to be let go. But it didn’t happen that way.

They attempted to make me stay and I was willing to see how things would go. But after a while, I realize that they were not really accommodating my concern. I was wishing for a more challenging work. But what I meant was the kind of work that would allow me to learn something new, grow and develop. I’m not sure was it because I didn’t say it clearly or they just couldn’t understand me, but they didn’t seem to get my point. Cause, in the end, I only getting buried in piling up work.

For some time, I kinda regret my decision to allow myself being retained. When I conveyed my intention to leave, all was good. I mean other than the job didn’t give me a sense of fulfillment. I performed well and it was being recognized and appreciated by my direct supervisor. It was a feeling that I contributed as expected and being well appreciated for it that made the job felt less burdensome.

But after I was being retained, there was a whole lot more work for me to do. And if I leave under that circumstance, it’d be like I was giving up. I never like the idea of giving up. But on the other hand, it wasn’t why I stayed. That was not the deal. Not what I was agreed on. So it became a dilemma. I felt trapped!

Everyone has their own way of coping with an¬†unpleasant situation. Some people would talk about it, confiding, releasing the burden inside them. But that’s not really my style. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. Besides, merely talking about a problem without coming to a solution that I can execute would make me feel helpless. And I think that would only make things even harder to bear with.

So, there’s this one thing that I usually did to make me feel better about the situation. Looking out the window. Since I usually came before anyone else, I had plenty of times to do this in the morning. I would look out the window while feeding my mind with all kind of positive thoughts to lift up my spirit. Some kind like…

‘later when you no longer here, you’re gonna miss this view. It’s a good thing that they made you stay. You still have some time to enjoy the view’
‘There’re a lot of things to do, but there’s also a lot of things to learn. It’s in the toughest moment that we can learn the most’
‘All these.. All the things that you wish you could escape, maybe later when you no longer have to deal with it all, you’re gonna miss it. Sometimes we failed to appreciate the good thing that we have because we focus too much on wanting something else. Didn’t you want to learn? Well.. Learn to deal with this well. Live in the moment and enjoy it.’

You know.. Those kinds of thing.

At first, that was all the reason I kept looking out the window. Injecting some positive thoughts. Maintaining the positive vibes within me. But then there was her.

She would often show up in the middle of my morning routine. She and her unexplainable behavior. What first felt like a disturbance, soon turned into an amusement. I can’t even explain how could it happened that way.

We barely knew each other. We almost never interacted. But she could take my mind off of all the trouble. For a moment when she’s around, I could forget all the burden in my chest. What once felt like regret started to felt into a little joy. Her presence made it hard for me to regret my decision to stay. How could I, when she turned a curse into a blessing?

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[nextpage title=”In Silence” ]

Did I exaggerate when I said that she turned a curse into a blessing? Well… I do admit that it may sound that way. But for me who me who experienced it all, it’s not an overstatement at all. Our interaction with barely any words exchanged was nothing sophisticated. It was so simple. Yet, felt special.

I never really think about what made it felt like nothing else. But if have to dig into it now, well… I guess it’s because things just happened so naturally.

With her, I didn’t feel like I had to be somebody I’m not. She could say a hello cheerfully which I usually would reply by whispering a hi. Sometimes, I only replied with a smile and she would still look as lively.

She’s not only amiable, she’s also mindful. Sometimes, when she entered the pantry while I was looking out the window, I just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. So I didn’t turn my head to look at her and just continue standing on the corner, looking outside. I would think to myself that if she greeted me,¬†then I was going to have to turn back to her and engage in some small talk out of courtesy. But she didn’t. She would only fill her water bottle in silence.

Sometimes, I was curious so I would focus on her reflection on the window and saw her looking at my direction. Yet, didn’t even say a word. For me, it felt like she could respect the invisible boundaries that I set.

Well… Actually, at first, I was turning back to her. Just like what I always did when I notice someone entered the pantry. She said hello, I smiled, and then, it’s just a total silence. But I couldn’t just go back to look out the window since I thought it would be impolite to turn my back on someone under that circumstance. So I stuck there looking at her. Waiting if she was going to say something. Thinking if I should say something.

And still, there’re no words exchanged between us. It was just her filling her bottle while I was standing on the corner looking at her as if I was observing her. It was somewhat awkward. That’s why after that I chose not to look back when she came into the pantry. We’re not going to talk anyway. That’s what I thought. Who would have thought that it would lead me to feel comfortable being around her?

Well.. there was a time when she breached into my territorial. One morning while I was standing in the corner of the pantry, she showed up out of nowhere and suddenly already stood beside me, looking at the direction I was looking at. The problem is, that time, the one I kept my eyes on was my phone. And suddenly, there was her. Standing beside me, joining in seeing my phone screen. Was she genie in the bottle or something? Showing up out of nowhere like that.

Anyway, it wasn’t a pleasant experience for me. I feel kinda disturbed by someone who’s overly friendly. Just like what she displayed that morning. I don’t know was she a spy, a genie in the bottle, or anything else. What I know is, it was a violation of my privacy. And I wasn’t happy with it. But you know, it was the only time. There was no more of that. I did become more cautious. But I wasn’t the only one who did.

I guess the series of silence interaction between us gradually and unconsciously shaped my perception of her. But it was kinda confusing since she didn’t behave in a straight line. It was confusing, but also intriguing. And the strangest thing is, I kinda enjoyed. No, not kinda. I enjoyed it.

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[nextpage title=”To Be Continued” ]

………

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