Hi There! So.. hmmm.. well.. I was thinking about how this will go. For a moment, I though that the best solution for this is for me to walk away, you wouldn’t see me again, you wouldn’t hear from me again, and you can continue your life happily without any disturbance from me.
But even if I try to act like I’m walking away, even if I try to turn my back on you, I will only fool myself. It would only mean that I’m going back to my hideout. I had been doing it for years, I don’t think I want to do that again. Besides, I already at this point, there’ll be no use to go back to my hideout.
If I do that, maybe for a while it would feel like it’s the right thing to do. But then I would feel restless again. I hid what I feel because I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. What is the use of doing it when you already know everything?
If I really do that, not long after, I would wake up only to realize that I’m just a coward. That I do that because I’m afraid to go through this. If I really do that, then it means there’s really nothing I can do for you. I don’t want to live my life in regret.
Most likely, I wouldn’t just give up on life. Most likely, I will try to find a way to do something for you in my own way. Even if it doesn’t seem doable now, later, I will find a way. I know me. But most likely, you would figure out that it’s me. And maybe it would make you feel uncomfortable again. So as a whole, it’s a bad idea.
So.. well.. hmmm… eeerr… About me loving you, actually, I don’t think that it’s something bad. I mean… it’s love. When I say I love you, it means, I love you. I mean, it’s love. I mean, it means I care about you. It means you’re precious to me. It means I will always treat you with care and respect. So you don’t have to be afraid just because I love you.
The last time we met, I was going to tell you that. But I didn’t know how. I was afraid you wouldn’t understand. I was afraid if it would make you scared, if it would make you feel uncomfortable, if it would make you try to avoid me. I was afraid if you wouldn’t understand that just because I love you, it doesn’t mean that I will force you to be mine or do anything disrespectful to you. I was afraid because in this world, there are some people who say the word love when they don’t really feel it, but do it to manipulate others to get what they want and I was afraid if you would think of me as one of those people. But I’m not. I was afraid if you don’t understand, and instead of feeling happy, knowing what I feel for you would make you feel offended. That’s why I tried to hide what I feel. But now that you already now, I hope you can also understand that I’ll never do you any harm.
About what happened after the last time we met, well. the last couple hours I tried to find an explanation that can be good for that, but I really can’t come up with anything. I don’t have any excuse. I was wrong. I know it’s not going to be easy for you to forgive me, but I hope you can see everything as a whole. Then maybe you can see that I’m not totally a bad person.
I was going to say that I hope you can forget all my stupidity and craziness then maybe we can reconcile. But I don’t think even I can really forget it. Because.. well.. it was too much different than any other things I’ve ever experience in my life. So maybe it will be too much to ask from you.
But I wish one day you can accept the fact that I can be very foolish and behave inappropriately. Well.. it means I’m just a human. People make mistake. Of course, I will try my best not to repeat it again, but I can’t change what had happened.
I guess that’s all I can say. I hope you can consider everything and forgive all my wrong doing. Then maybe we can meet and befriend again. Not anytime soon of course. I think both of us need some time to cool down before we can meet again. So please take all the time you need.
Btw, I’m sorry about my last post. When I read it again, it’s really lousy. Well.. you know.. woman. When the heart takes control, the brain would be powerless.