Because I Love You

I supposed to tell you a story. My story about you. If I stick to the plan, it should have finished a few days ago. But the story I wrote has only begun. Yet, I don’t think I will continue it. At least not now. I don’t think there’ll be any point of continuing the story now. Maybe some other time if I have a chance. Right now, I have something else to tell you.

Maybe you already know it, that I always try to reason with everything. Maybe there were times when you think that my “why?” or “what do you want?” would only complicate the situation or that it was an expression of anger or that I was trying to blame you, nagging at you or something like that and that made you felt bad. But no, none of it was what I was trying to do.

If I ask a question, if means I’m ready to listen to the answer and I will put it into my consideration. If I’m about to do any of what I mention before, the question wouldn’t be any of the two. So please, if next time I ask any of those question, just tell me the truth. Especially since you’re so bad at lying. Why did you try to lie anyway? People with a pure heart are usually bad at lying.

Maybe you’re one of those people who think that there’s a kind of lie that is considered as a good lie. That it is okay to cover the truth with something else for a greater good. Maybe.. But there’s a big problem with lies. It ruins trust. Besides, more often than not, a lie usually followed by another lie and so on.

However, I always believe that even bad action can be acceptable is there’s a good intention behind. That’s why I always try to reason with everything. I think we shouldn’t make our judgment solely based on what someone do or say, because there must be a reason behind it all. It doesn’t mean that it will be okay if that person keeps doing it, but it would make what had happened become understandable.

Even if someone treats me bad, if I can understand the reason behind it, I would be able to maintain my composure. That’s how I cope with difficult situation. But just because in the end I always managed to deal with all the emotional turbulence, doesn’t mean I never feel any negative emotion. It just means that I’m capable of conquering it all. And I think, you also need to learn to do it. Because if you don’t, you will only make things hard for yourself. You got to be kind to yourself.

All the negative thoughts or emotions you have in your mind or heart, they wouldn’t affect anyone but you. So if you choose to listen to them all and keep them there, you will only hurt yourself. If you have any negative thoughts or feelings about me, you better let it out. You better tell me about it. If you keep it with you, you will only make yourself miserable. Please don’t do that, you got to be kind to yourself. So you better let me know about it. That way, I’ll know what not to do again in the future.

Life isn’t always so pleasant. Many times, it happened all the other way around. Problems happen all the time. Small problems, big problem, even the huge one. They all are just a part of life. Having problems is not all that bad. Of course, some problems can put us in a difficult situation and can be very hard to deal with at some point.

However, problems can do more than giving us a hard time. It gives us a chance to learn, an opportunity to grow. Maybe you heard it before, a quote from Aristotle “it is during our darkest moment that we must focus to see the light”. By having problems and solve it, we will get and experience of dealing with a problem which may be useful in our life going forward. The more difficult the problem is, the more we would be able to learn. A good solution is a win – win solution. A solution that makes everyone happy. And this isn’t easy to achieve. But I think, if it’s not a win – win solution, then the problem hasn’t really solved.

In the process of solving the problems, we would gain many things. We could learn more about ourself and others. About how we act and react and the reason behind it, about the impulse that suddenly comes and how to put it under control, about how our action and reaction affect others and vice versa, about the feeling of helplessness and how to fight it, about how negative thought can easily draw negative emotion and how to conquer it, about how what’s inside our mind and heart can affect our action and vice versa. We would also understand what is the most important element that plays the key role in solving our problems.

That’s why I think that problem is not a bad thing. It is actually a good thing if we are willing to put effort to solve it. It’s not something we should scare or avoid. We just need to be brave enough to go through it. And when we overcame the obstacle, we would realize that we’re getting closer to what we’re trying to reach or that we’re able to maintain what we’re trying to protect. That no matter how hard it is, it’s worth the result.

But you must remember something. In order to be able to solve your problem nicely, you got to be strong. You got to be able to contain your emotion. Usually, this is the hardest part. You need to be neutral in seeing the problem. Just like you’re not the part of it. So you can focus on the solution instead of what is most comfortable for you. Because sometimes, trying to solve a problem can really put you in an uncomfortable position.

Another thing is, you got to be able to stand up for yourself. Because there are various kind of people in this world. This world is not only full of people with good intention. There are also some people who will try to take advantage of you, try to manipulate you, even try to hurt you only for their own satisfaction.

But everyone has a weakness. Even the most intimidating person has a weak point. If you can spot it, they won’t be able to hurt you. Because if you take a closer look, you will see that people who hurt others are normally doing it in the process of coping with their own problems. If you reach this point, you will realize that actually, the problem is not as huge as you thought it is at first.

People are often create a much bigger problem when they try to hide the real problem which is usually the product of their fears, doubts, insecurities or unfulfilled desire. They don’t want to tell you about it because.. well.. I’m not so sure about this. Maybe because they know that it shouldn’t be a problem. Or because they’re afraid that you wouldn’t think of it as a problem but it is a problem for them.

So, even if you can reach to this point, you still have a long way to go. You need to talk to them and you got to be very careful in making a conversation with them so they will be open about the real problem. You need to make them feel completely safe and comfortable to talk to you. Make sure they know that you’re not going to belittle what is important for them. The good thing is, oftentimes, a good conversation will be more than enough to solve the problem. But of course, it should be a mutual conversation, where both parties have trust in each other.

Seems like I digress. I just wanna say, please be kind to yourself. If you have a problem, don’t keep it to yourself. It will be great if you try to do something to solve it. It will be better in the long run. If you restrain from making a step to solve it for whatever the reason is, you might be able to get away from it for a while. But the problem will keep haunting you.

So if you have a problem, you need to be brave. You need to be brave to make a decision to either walk away and never regret it or to move forward and solve it. About which one to choose, it’s your call. You’re the one who knows what’s truly best for you. But whichever you choose, be sure that you’re ready for it.

One last thing, if you think I did something that I shouldn’t do or if you have any negative thoughts or feelings about me, don’t keep it to yourself. You can just tell me about it. No matter how hurtful the truth can be, I still prefer a harsh truth over a sweet lie. And of course, harsh truth would be much better than harsh lie.

So if you have something to say to me, just say it. Don’t worry about how it would make me feel. There’s no damage you can do to me more than what this life has done to me. There’ll be no word that is too much for me to bear with. What is too much for me to bear with is if you feel bad and I can’t do anything about it. So please, be kind to yourself. And if you think someone treats you wrong, anyone, especially me, you got to stand up for yourself.

If you don’t think you can do it now, don’t worry. Don’t be in a hurry. Take your time. For something important, you shouldn’t rush. Just relax and prepare yourself. There’ll be a time when you’re ready. Meanwhile, keep calm and be happy.

Oh, there’s one more thing that I wish you can understand. I confess what I feel to you, but I also say that it’s okay if you just wanna be friends. It’s not because I’m not serious about being with you. It’s just.. how do I say this…?? hmmm… Well.. For me, you’re another piece of my heart. You don’t have to be by my side. I just need to ensure that you’re beating well, wherever you are. Of course, it will be much more pleasant if that person is me. But even if it’s not, as long as you happy, I’d be happy for you too.

Okay, one more thing. Maybe I said that I tried to forget you. Well.. I did. When the feeling started to grow to a much stronger kind of feeling, I also felt excited, confused, and afraid. It’s just.. being with you, I didn’t even dare to dream about it. Sometimes it felt like it could be real, but some other times it just felt like an illusion. Also, I thought, it’s better for you. But no matter how hard I tried no to, I always end up thinking about you. Because it feels right to love you. Because even though my mind clouded with fears, doubts, and insecurity, my heart has already recognized you.