How are you? It’s been so long. Hope everything’s going well for you there. I have something to say. But I wasn’t sure about how to say it. I wasn’t even sure if it will be a good idea for me to say it. Or if it will be okay for me to say it at all.
I’ve been going back and forth thinking whether or not I should let it out. Maybe it will be better if I just keep it with me forever. It wasn’t easy to decide considering what had happened, what is happening and what might happen.
At this point, Sometimes I think doing this means I make it easy for me and make it hard for you. Wouldn’t it be harder for me to just bear with everything myself and wouldn’t it be easier for you if you never knew what I’m about to tell you? But sometimes, what we think of as an easy path may actually is a difficult one, and vice versa.
Not letting you know, I’ve been doing it for years. I don’t think it will be a torture if I keep doing it for all the years to come. But trying to shed a light on it.. well.. It’s like giving you a map to my secret palace where nobody should be around.
Maybe I was wrong before. I shouldn’t have told you anything when I wasn’t ready to do it. I did it solely because I thought I had to. It’s just.. your mind.. seemed like there were a lot in it that’s not supposed to be there. I didn’t want you to drowned in your own negativity. So I tried to do everything that I thought I had to do.
But the fact is, I wasn’t ready to do it all. On one hand, I couldn’t just sit back and wish that everything will be just fine when I didn’t think it would be. You were in a misunderstanding and I wanted to clear it up for you. But on the other hand, I was afraid. I was afraid that if I told you what I think and feel deep inside, I would only make a fool out of myself.I had no idea about the situation I was facing and it made me felt so lost. How the situation kept changing was too much for me to process. But now, I want to tell you something, because I want you to know about it.
Do you remember that not long after I told you about this site, you suddenly showed up, then telling me that you read part of my story? Story? Sometimes your choice of word is a bit unusual. Unusual, but refreshing. That time it felt a bit funny for me. But what’s written here, they are not a story. They’re just a piece of what I think and feel. Many of it had been conditioned to meet a certain goal.
I created this site with the purpose to help me accept the truth that you could never be mine and to get a better understanding of the feeling I couldn’t explain. Choosing the name of the site was the first move. I had always wanted to build a website about you, but the name should be little panda, not the one I chose for this. But one day when I kept asking myself why I couldn’t stop doing all the stupid thing, I could no longer deny, that the reason I do everything I do for you, is because I love you.
I once told you that actually, I was planning to tell you about what I think and feel about you since the day I saw you. The idea was to tell you a sentence or two once or twice a day. It might take few weeks and at the end, I would show up.
You seemed to really want me to reveal myself, and that was the best way I could think of. Because on one hand, I didn’t want to upset you. But on the other hand, I wasn’t ready to reveal myself. I was too afraid to reveal myself through text because I wouldn’t be able to see your reaction and that would make me feel so ridiculous about myself. I was too shy to reveal myself in person just like that. I tried, but the words just couldn’t come out. I wanted to, but I was so nervous. I don’t know why. I was worried if it would make you feel uncomfortable and you would keep your distance from me. I was worried if it would make you feel scared and you don’t want to know me anymore.
So then I decided to tell you what I think and feel about you since the day I saw you. I hope by telling you the story, you would get an idea of how precious you are to me. Then maybe you would understand that I never meant any harm. That you don’t have to be scared of me because I just want you to be happy. Back then, I didn’t get a chance to tell you. But now, I want to tell you the story. My story about you.