I’ll Always Be With You

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.. I’ll always be with you.. Always be with you”

~Christopher Robin to Winnie The Pooh~

My previous post.. it’s not goodbye. I just want to say sorry for things I’ve said and done that hurt you. I hope you understand that I’m not turning my back on you, I’m just closing my access to you. Just so you won’t feel bothered by me. Maybe I forgot to say something important. Take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting until you’re ready.

I’m sorry that I have to block you. Not that I want to cut ties with you. It’s just.. I keep feeling the impulse to send you something. Every time I see your face I feel like I wanna greet you. Though I there’s a possibility that I end up annoy you, when the feeling gets so strong, I’d say to myself that maybe.. maybe somehow I will.. maybe somehow I can make you feel better. At least now WhatsApp will remind me that it still off-limit.

Frankly speaking, I was afraid. I knew that one day I may have to do that. That if every message I sent to you cannot make you feel better, I will have to do that. But I was afraid. I was afraid if that would really be the end. That you would really think it’s the best solution. That we could never meet again.

I’m still afraid. Somehow I still wish that there will still be a good ending for this. That suddenly you will tell me that I don’t have to do this because you don’t want it to happen either. Somehow I wish that there still something I can do for you. Somehow I wish.. But, you’re more important than my wish.

The kind of emotion I’m having lately, it’s not something I can describe. It’s really a mixed of feelings. It’s the kind of feeling that even I cannot understand. It makes my mind changes so rapidly. The more I try to sit still, the more I become restless.

I can keep sending you message and get ignored. I can take more disappointment. It’s not a big deal. It’s just a part of life after all. But how about you? Your silence, it doesn’t mean that you want to ignore me, it means you still feel bad. But not sending you message and try to make you feel better, it doesn’t seem like a good option for me. If love can make even someone like me so restless, what can it do to you?

All of my feelings are just so contradictory. At one side, if you really want to forget, I want to help you forget. I will stop nudging you. I’m not trying to let you go because I can’t hold on anymore, but because I can let you go. If you really want me to let you go because it’s too much for you, then I will let you go. I will make it like I barely exist so that it will be easier for you to move on.

But on the other side, I don’t want you to thinking that I’m leaving you. Because that’s not what happen. I don’t want you to think that you’re being left. I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you. You are a person someone will never forget. You are a person someone will always love.

If you really want to forget, please forget me well. But please do so because you believe that’s what’s good for you. Not because you’re sad, not because you’re upset, not because you’re mad, not because you’re afraid. Negative emotion is not a good reason to make a decision.Those kinds of emotions don’t last forever. So please don’t make a decision based on negative emotion. It will be better to make a decision if you can picture yourself doing it happily for all the years after.

There’s also another side of me that still believe that you don’t really want to forget. That there’s another reason why you treat me this way. Maybe because you’re not ready yet. Maybe because my words and action keep changing lately and you don’t know if all of it is true. Maybe because you’re afraid of getting your heart broken because you still cannot believe me. Maybe because you care too much about me and still think that I want to forget but I can’t.

Forget someone that we love. Is that even possible? My dear, love is in the heart, not in the mind. Even if our mind forgets, our heart will always remember.

Can you love me without getting hurt? You can’t imagine what I feel since I realized that you also have feeling toward me. The feeling I have inside multiplied, again and again. I want to do more for you. More than I ever did. More than you expect. That feeling is really one of a kind. But it also makes me worry knowing that you can easily get affected by me. Please, don’t let all my words affect you negatively. I never mean to hurt you in any way.

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