Because I Love You

Do you really want me to walk away from you? You detached me on sosmed. How long has it been? More than a week already? How does it go so far? Have you forgotten me well?

If I really walk away from you, will you really be happy? Cause I’m sure that’s not how it’d go for me. But if that’s what you really need to be happy, then it wouldn’t be that bad. But.. Is that true?

We’re quite the opposite of each other and honestly it made me afraid. You think with your heart while I think with my brain. It seems like for you, even if you know something, if you can’t feel it, then it’s not real. While for me, even if I can feel it, if there’s no premise that can support it, then it’s not real. There’s a big gap between us and I didn’t how to bridge it.

No, it’s not that. I didn’t even know that we have to bridge it. That we can still reside in our own island, we just have to build the bridge. It’s a merger not an acquisition. None of us have to surrender. We just need to adapt.

I used to have a conversation with my friend. I forget what the conversation was all about, but I remember that I suddenly think about you and I asked her a question. I asked her, why girls are so hard to comprehend. She only looked at me with a big question mark on her face, like asking, “How can you not know that?”. What’s with her? If I knew I wouldn’t ask.

The first time you ignored me, I was completely lost about what was happening. Then you start to come and go and I start to think that I was being played. How easy it is for you to come to me when things are good and just leave me when thing start to ruin. You give me all the positive signs but then turning your back on me when I make a move. What do you take me for? But now it starts to make sense.

I still don’t understand the way you think or behave. But finally, everything you do start to make sense for me. Even if you try to lead me to believe what you expect me to believe, I won’t buy it anymore. There’s only one thing I still failed to understand. How can your feeling grow so deep? I haven’t even done anything for you yet. Anyway, I think that’s something I should feel grateful about.

Maybe the way our relationship about to born was premature. Neither of us was really prepare for what had happened. But it just happened that way. There’s no need to cry over spilled milk. There’s no need to regret the way it happened. What matter now is, how are we going to help it survive its birth and assure its longevity.

I want to tell you everything once again. But things were ruined the first time I did it. But the worst thing is not because what you did to my heart, but because you got hurt and I couldn’t do anything about it. How can I risk hurting you again? That’s why I chose ways that are more subtle. But I start to think that my text would either make you feel better or ruin your day entirely. Unfortunately, it’s always the latter that seemed to happened. But I can’t hold this anymore. So please allow me one more time.

I hope this wouldn’t give you a creep. I’m just trying to say what I need to say. Even if in the end you still don’t want to take a chance, just know that every word I say is true. You’re amazing. There’s not need to complicate it. You’re just amazing. Plainly amazing.

Even when you don’t want to talk to me, you’re still the one I want to tell everything about. Even when you try to push me away, you’re still the one I wish I could share every minute of my life with. Even if you really want to forget, you’re still the one I want to greet every morning and say sweet dream to in the night. Even when you act like you don’t need me, you’re still the one I want to give all my love to.

Would you be mine? Please be mine. I know it’s not gonna be easy. But I’ll be with you every step of the way. If you give me that chance, I’ll be careful with your heart. I’ll be there for you when things get hard. And I’ll never get bored to remind you about how amazing you are.

Don’t let go. Please don’t let go. Don’t try to forget. Don’t try to walk away. Don’t listen to me when I say it’s okay if you just wanna be friends. It’s not okay. It will never be okay.

I once told you that actually, I wanted to tell you about what I think about you since the day I saw you. No, it’s not about love at first sight. I don’t believe in such thing. But you were.. interesting! Charmingly attractive. I still remember that day. You were wearing red blazer, weren’t you? Greeting your colleagues cheerfully in shy. How did you do that? Normally people would either look cheerfully confident or timidly awkward. The truth is, you catch my attention since I first saw you. You just need to push it forward if you want more and you did it flawlessly.

The more I know you, the more I fond of you. You’re more than just a pretty face. You’re beautiful inside out. I don’t think the word beautiful is enough to describe you. You are exquisitely endearing. You’re everything I like about someone.

I like how you never failed to be you. I like how you look so comfortable in everything you do. I like how you’re so persistent but never being forceful. I like the way you try to charm me without being clingy. I like the way you try to get closer to me without making me feel cornered. I like the way you surprised me with your unusual compliment. It’s amazing to have someone who always chooses to see the good thing in me. I like the way you give me full attention when I talk. I like the way you laugh when I try to be funny. I like the way you mimic me and do it so naturally. There are just too many things that I like about you. If I continue, then this will never end. Even so, I hate the way you hang me out to dry.

I hate it when you disappear without saying a word and leave me with a huge enigma. I hate it when I have to decipher the complicated signal that could either mean you still want me or you just not ready to forget. I hate it when you expect me to understand without wanting to tell me. I hate the way you’re being so reserved and act so distant. I hate it when you get hurt without letting me make you feel better. I hate it when you try to lead me into false thoughts. I hate it when you don’t trust me. I understand if you’re afraid. I know it can be very frightening to take a leap. But please, try to find the courage to trust me. I’ll catch you whenever you fall. You’re so precious to me and I really want you in my life.

I want you for all your good and bad. I want you even when you make me confused with all the subtle signs you make. I want you even when you make me jealous by flirting with someone else. I want you even when you act so weird. I want you even when you make me sad or mad. I want you even when you broke my heart, even when you make me frustrated, even when you trigger my anger, even when you make me restless. I want you, even when you act like you don’t want me, even when you send me false signals, even when you make my head about to explode because sometimes it’s too much for me to understand. Even after all the chaos you brought into my life, I want you, I still want you, and I’ll always want you. No one could ever take your place in my heart. If only you saw what I can see, you’ll understand why I’ll always love you dearly.

You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met before. I’ve never wanted to be wanted by someone in the way I want you to want me. So please, do not only take my heart away, take me as a whole.