Here I Am

Have you ever felt nerve-racking? Has it ever occurred to you that when you’re about to do something, you suddenly feel extremely nervous and worried? No, no I’m not talking about making a speech in public, doing a job interview, or presenting a project plan in front of your colleagues or business partner. Not that kind of discomfort. For that kind of thing, some good preparation can help. Not that kind of circumstance that I’m talking about.

But have you ever experienced it, when you already prepared for something and you’re just one step away from making your move, you suddenly got a mental breakdown? It’s not clear where it comes from, all those fears and doubts. The only thing you know, something that made you feel so thrilled before suddenly causes you a lot of worries.

That’s how felt when I was about to tell you about little panda the last time we met. What if you don’t like it? What if you’re upset? What if it’s not what you expected? What if you ridicule me? I don’t know why I worried a lot about how you would feel or think. But that’s how I felt. And I felt it once again a few hours ago.

I wanted to tell you something and I spent the last couple of days preparing what I want to say. Yes, I’m actually always quite well-prepared when I’m on my right mind. And now I have to throw it away. I want you to understand something because it seems that you still don’t get it right. Honestly, it’s kinda pissed me off how you still failed to understand, after everything.

I wanted to tell you everything bluntly once again because this started to get on my nerves. Because you kept ignoring me when all I try to do is to fix the situation. Because you kept pretending that you’re mad every time you’re upset. Because you never wanted to be true to me and instead make me go the extra mile to figure out how you really feel. Because you didn’t let me make you feel better. Because you let me risk me making a fool out of myself over and over again.

As much as I know you never laugh at me for my stupidity, it doesn’t make me feel less stupid. I feel like I’m a new employee who tries to make my first report. I don’t know how to do it, but I want to do it right. So I spend all my time on the trial and error. Though it can be very frustrating at times, my optimism keeps me going.

You know how to do it, yet you only kept watching me failed without telling me how to do it right. Maybe you’re frustrated too. How can someone not know how to do something that simple? Maybe that’s what you think. Maybe you think I’m not serious because I kept doing it wrong. Had I known how to do it right, I would have done it from the beginning. I don’t like wasting my time either. It would have been easier if you were willing to guide me.

But that’s okay. I’m not here to complain. I’m grateful that you still have not fired me yet. You still believe, don’t you? You still believe that though I kept doing it wrong, once I can do it right, I can do it better than anyone else forward. What I’ve done so far, it’s not failure, I just found so many ways that won’t work.

So here I am, once again trying to make you understand. I don’t want to risk making you feel bad again, but I cannot expect things will just get better without doing anything about it. I don’t know which one would be worse, try to do something with the risk of worsening the situation or follow your false guidance, leave it to time and just wish that everything’s really just fine. But it’s not fine. My restlessness keeps telling me that it’s not fine.

I tried to be extremely careful with my words because I’m not sure which of what I said made you keep silent. Was it my jokes that you think were too harsh? Was it me came forward too strong to you? I don’t want to make the situation even worse. But at this point, I think continuing this way is what could make things worse.

I always wondered, why you never told me exactly what I did wrong. Why you never tell me the reason you gave me a cold shoulder. Which of what I said or done that is so terrible that makes you think I deserve to be ignored?

I gave you so many chances to tell me, even to blame me. I’m ready to listen, I’m ready to put effort to fix what I did wrong. I gave you too many chances, more than you can imagine. But you never use any of it. Maybe because that’s not the problem. Maybe it’s because the problem is not something that I said. Maybe it’s because the problem is something in your mind.

Are you afraid because you still think that I’m not serious? Are you afraid because you think I will leave in the end? You!!! How can someone be so sharp yet clueless? How can you still not see my true intention behind every word I say? There’s something you need to understand, if I want to let you in, it means I’m willing to do anything to keep you there. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to push me away, now that I’m sure about how you feel, I will never walk away from you. If I¬†want to give up, I would have done it long ago.

Actually, at this point, I think it’s pretty impossible for you to not know what you are to me. But in case you are still clueless, I’ll give you a little clue. Do you know, normally I’m like a bamboo. I’m flexible enough to move in any direction people take me to. But once they let go of their grip, I’d stand strong again, back to how I suppose to be.

But with you, I’m like a sunflower. Always try to follow the sun’s movement even if it’s so far away. Like my heart knows exactly what it needs. Like the sunflower, which even at night, when the sun is not around, still faces east, patiently waiting for the sun to rise.

Hmmm… How should I put it into words? You’re the troublemaker in my mind that I hold dear to my heart. Despite all the chaos you brought into my life, you’re still everything I like about a person. And you’re still the only one I want more than anything else.

But look at you now. Now you look like a butterfly that tries to sting like a bee. A cute panda that tries to act like a grizzly. I think you should stop trying to be somebody you’re not. It doesn’t fit you

You try to turn your back on me, you try to push me away. You think that’s gonna work? You’ve heard the phrase “don’t play with fire”, haven’t you?

I warned you. Be it as little panda, be it as me. I told you not to try to find out, I made a strong gesture for you not to try to get too close. I don’t like it if people get too close. I like having my own space. But with you, it’s a little different. I don’t know when was it. But my “step back” gesture for you is no longer because I don’t want you around. I did it for your own safety.

You think I didn’t notice things you did? I notice everything. I knew there was something strange about you. For someone so bold, sometimes you looked so shy when I looked at you. Or the way you looked at me like I was the only one you saw. Or the way to hold me so tight like you didn’t want to let go. But I didn’t want you to get too close.

Do you even know what you’re dealing with? I’m like quicksand. Once you’re in, you will only get even deeper. Then you’d be forever sunk in me. Do you understand this? If ever you be mine, I will never let go. Even if one day you regret being with me, I will make you fall in love with me all over again.

But you’ve always been so persistent. You make me want to let you in. And now after I let you in, you think you can get away just like that? You must be dreaming. I’m sorry, but once you’re in, there’d be no way out. We’ve been holding it for so long. What else are you waiting for? I’m not gonna let you bear with it by yourself again. Take my hand. Let me keep you by my side.

Okay, let’s try to put it another way. Let’s presume that I was in a delusional state. That I just made up a story to make me feel better about falling for you. That you never tried to charm me or anything like that. But I’ve opened the gate for you. So if you want to come in, please do not hesitate.

Okay, that’s all I want to say. Tell me now, what do you think about it? If you still don’t believe me after all I say, maybe you won’t ever believe me. Nevertheless, I will keep trying. I will keep trying to make you understand that I’ve always been true to you and I’m here to stay. It’s crazy, isn’t it? That crazy little thing called love, how much madness has it created in this world?

Btw, don’t stay up too late.

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