I’m Sorry

Right now, it’s too late. No matter how huge the regret I feel. It wouldn’t matter what I’m trying to do to prove that my love is true and I never meant to hurt her, the fact is she got hurt because of me.

How I wish I can turn back time. How I wish everything can go back to zero. Before I audaciously asked about the translation. I thought I was doing it for her. I really thought I was doing it for her. But now I see that the only one who tried to make things right again was her.

I said I wanted her to fight for herself.  I keep bothering her so that she would say something. So that she didn’t have to keep it to herself. I thought it was hard for her to keep things for herself. But now I realized that let out everything was way harder for her. Because when she finally does it, it means everything is really more than worst.

Maybe it’s me the one who needs advice. When she disappears, every time she disappeared, I keep bothering her. Now I know, it’s not that she didn’t want to reply. But she was giving herself some time. So that she can reply when she’s cooled down after my bad behavior. How childish I was. To never try to understand her. To never even give her the space she needed.

And now, I tried to use an excuse, “my heart goes frantically”, “I’ve never done anything like this before so I don’t know what to do”. No reason can justify what I did to her.

Even though I tried to explain so that she wouldn’t feel bad, in the end, my explanation only makes things worse for her. It’s not just for the words I said. But for not trying to understand, that she needed space and I should have respected that. For not trying to understand that she didn’t like to be pushed, and I should have respected that.

Every explanation, superfluous attention, I did it all because I  was worried that she feels bad. But actually, I did it all to ease my own worry. I thought as long as she talked then she was okay. At first, it wasn’t so bad actually. When she disappeared, I was just making a fool out of myself. Tried to make her talk again by trying to understand, trying to spot what I did wrong. Tried to make her talk to me again in a fun way. Maybe it was annoying and foolish. But.. maybe she could also feel, that I was sorry and just want to make things right again.

But then, since she kept disappearing, I thought she was playing me. I thought because I was nice, she thought she could just keep ignoring me. Since when did “What I did wrong?” turn into “Why are you ignoring me?”. Since when did the focus shift from her to me? Maybe that’s where the problem started.

So I’m really a bad person. I suppose it’s a good thing that we never get a chance to be together. I can’t imagine how bad I would hurt her if we were really together. She’s too precious for someone like me. I should never change my mindset.

She’s right. It’s me who played on her. When she disappeared, I was very nice to her, give her attention, try to understand, try to find out what I did wrong. But when she appeared, I suddenly changed the way I treat her. That was what kept happening. How bad of a person I am. I only realized it now. Why does regret always come late?

I shouldn’t have suddenly shown myself in the midst of the fight. I thought that’s what she expected. For me to show myself. Now I realized that I was just trying to save myself. How embarrassing must it be for her to be treated that way? How could I do that to her?

She has been very considerate all this time. Even when she actually knew my identity, she acted like she didn’t know because she didn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. But for me, it seemed like all I think about was only myself. And I said that it’s love. How funny.

Even now, every time she replies to my message I still reply it back. I still keep sending her message trying to explain. I should have just stopped doing it. I should have just accepted whatever words she sent me. Now, it really comes to the point where nothing can be fixed again.

She doesn’t need any explanation. All she needs is space and time. She needs everyone, but me. She gave me so many chances. So many.. I skip it all and in the end say she played me. How dared I!!

I wish she didn’t have to feel bad because of me. If only there’s something I can do to make things right again for her. If only there is. I know I have to stay away from her and I will definitely do that. But if only I can make things right again for her. Even if I can’t get anywhere around her.. I would do anything. It was happiness just to give. Why did my love turn out to be so cruel?

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